{"id":810,"date":"2026-03-24T11:18:20","date_gmt":"2026-03-24T11:18:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/watchly.cc\/?p=810"},"modified":"2026-03-24T11:18:22","modified_gmt":"2026-03-24T11:18:22","slug":"when-my-daughter-came-out-as-trans-i-parented-her-as-i-always-have-imperfectly-with-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/2026\/03\/24\/when-my-daughter-came-out-as-trans-i-parented-her-as-i-always-have-imperfectly-with-love\/","title":{"rendered":"When My Daughter Came Out As Trans, I Parented Her As I Always Have \u2014 Imperfectly, With\u00a0Love"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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“There was no guidebook,” says the mom of a transgender teen. “I was going to have to figure this one out alone.”Getty Images<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There is so much in the media these days about families\u00a0raising transgender kids. Much of it comes from a place of hate, discrimination, and misinformation. But even when the subject of raising transgender kids is more positive, it\u2019s rare that you hear real stories from real people. What is life for trans kids and their families really like?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand why these stories aren\u2019t always out there \u2014\u00a0transgender lives are being targeted\u00a0in so many harmful ways, and it makes sense to want to be private and protective. Transgender kids and their families don\u2019t owe the world anything, including their stories.Related story<\/strong>Can 5-Minute ‘Daily Creative’ Exercises Really Help Rewire Your Brain? This Mom Tried It to See<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But recently I came across\u00a0<\/a>a trailer\u00a0for\u00a0Adam\u2019s Apple,<\/em>\u00a0a new documentary about raising a transgender child. It\u2019s the portrait of a trans teen and his mom as they navigate Adam\u2019s transition, his parents\u2019 own emotional transitions, and the growth and blossoming of a young man into adolescence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got choked up watching it \u2014 not just because I too am raising a beautiful transgender young person, but because the footage felt so real. Adam and his family\u2019s home looks cozy and lived-in; his lopsided birthday cakes look homemade. He seems like a real kid living a normal life, whose family just happens to be managing things like coming out, gender transitions, all the complicated feelings that go along with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deciding to Share My Story<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been a parenting writer for over a decade, but I haven\u2019t shared much about raising my trans daughter. Some of it is out of protection for her, and some of it is because her story is for her to tell, not me. But watching this trailer, and also just generally thinking about being the parent of a transgender young person, I realize that I do have a story to tell \u2014 the story of what it\u2019s been like to parent my trans daughter over the past few years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before my daughter came out as trans, I used to write parenting articles about being an imperfect parent. I\u2019d write about the fact that none of us really know what we\u2019re doing \u2014 that it\u2019s normal to feel like you\u2019re just kind of winging it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember the fuzzy haze of when my daughter was a newborn, wondering if it was normal that she wanted to nurse again<\/em>, and then kind of just doing what made sense to me, which was to nurse her every 20 minutes if she wanted it, and then continuing to nurse her as much as she wanted for many months. Was I setting her up for bad habits? Was she ever going to wean at this rate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my daughter became a toddler and would only eat about five different foods, most of them white or beige, I had to figure out whether I wanted to push her more strongly to try other foods, or just feed her what she wanted and hope everything worked out in the end. I let her (mostly) eat what she wanted to eat then, tried to coax her into eating veggies when I could \u2014 and watched her palate expand slowly, but still with many restrictions, over the years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My motto in those early days was that, no, I didn\u2019t always know what I was doing \u2014 and yes, I might make some mistakes along the way \u2014 but I was always going to follow my heart and lead with love. I was an imperfect parent, like pretty much all of us are, but I was going to really try to understand who my daughter was and what she needed and go with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When My Daughter Came Out to Me<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Though I didn\u2019t know it yet, the biggest parenting challenge I would face was not my daughter\u2019s constant nursing or picky eating, but having to navigate my own feelings about her coming out. This isn\u2019t to say that my daughter saying she was trans elicited negative feelings, but the feelings were unexpected and intense. Plus, unlike the other parenting situations I\u2019d faced, there was no one in my life who had been through something similar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There was no guidebook. I was going to have to figure this one out alone. I was going to make mistakes. But I was going to be guided by love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s what I told myself when I sat there on the side of my daughter\u2019s bed as she poured her heart out to me at the age of 15. She\u2019d told my husband and me she was trans a few months prior, but hadn\u2019t really wanted to elaborate. I honestly didn\u2019t think much of it at the time. I thought she was simply exploring her feelings about her gender more than anything, like so many kids her age were.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But now, on this warm spring evening, she was telling me that this was a real thing, and I could tell that the reality of having to come out to the rest of the world and transition was weighing heavily on her. My daughter also told me something that was hard to hear. She said that when she\u2019d come out to us that first time, the look of shock and discomfort on my face upset her. I had no idea that I\u2019d even reacted that way. I thought I\u2019d just listened casually and absorbed the information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I apologized, of course, but I realized that there was no way I was going to be the cool and flawlessly accepting mom that I wanted to be, no matter how hard I tried. I was human, my daughter was sharing things with me that were life-changing, and that was okay. I was going to have to feel what I felt \u2014 a mix of confusion, pride, worry, and protectiveness \u2014 process it as best I could, and show up as the mom that my daughter needed in these moments, as flawed as I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Parenting a Trans Daughter is Really Like<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This is just my own perspective, of course, but once we moved through the toughest parts of my daughter\u2019s transition \u2014 coming out to family, friends, and coming out at school (which went overwhelmingly well; my daughter\u2019s friends and her school\u2019s staff were very supportive) \u2014 the rest has been, well, just pretty much normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing that drives me bonkers is that when you see trans kids depicted in the media or social media, it\u2019s as though the person\u2019s transness is all there is to them, like their life revolves around being trans. Or, in the case of the parents of trans kids, that their lives resolve around being the parent of a trans kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong: my daughter\u2019s gender is something that comes up in our lives. In addition to the coming-out process, we\u2019ve had to navigate name changes, finding trans-friendly healthcare providers, and the endless horrific\u00a0anti-trans legislation\u00a0that comes in at lightning speeds. There have been multiple instances where I feared that the government would come for her learner\u2019s permit, her passport, her health coverage, her right to use her name and pronouns at school, her right to use the bathroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a parent, I\u2019ve had to move through my own complex feelings about my daughter\u2019s transition, and my worries and fears about sending her off into a world that is unfriendly, and in many ways, dangerous for someone like her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But at the end of the day, my daughter is just a normal young woman, and I\u2019m just a normal parent. My daughter loves video games, playing guitar, staying up late talking to her little brother (they have the most amazing relationship), and hanging out with her friends. She started college this fall, and I\u2019ve entered the world of parenting-from-afar and doing my best to let her go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am proud of who my daughter is and I am still the work-in-progress parent who is doing her best and loving her kiddo with all her heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I Want Other Families to Know About Parenting a Trans Kid<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t just that unintentionally hurtful facial expression I made when my daughter came out to me. I\u2019ve made plenty of mistakes over the past few years: misgendering my daughter, using her deadname (a name given at birth or a name that\u2019s no longer used), and being hesitant about steps in her transition process (social and physical). But somehow, we made it through with our relationship intact. In fact, she and I are extremely close. I\u2019m one of her top confidants \u2014 when it comes to trans stuff, but also life in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I had any advice to my fellow trans parents, it would be to accept that you are going to make mistakes, but always keep your central goal in mind: supporting your child for who they are, and leading with love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also \u2014 and I think this is super important \u2014 you\u2019ve got to accept that you are going to have complicated, prickly feelings. You are a human \u2014 and learning that there is a part of your child that is different than you thought, as well managing the many biases we all grew up having about gender and queerness \u2014 is bound to trigger challenging feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You are allowed to feel these feelings. They are natural, and you should express them, because repressing feelings only intensifies them. But, whenever possible, share them with others, and not your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There was a lot my daughter didn\u2019t know about how I was feeling, yet I didn\u2019t suppress my emotions. I just worked them out separately from her \u2014 with my therapist, my husband, my close friends \u2014 because my reactions weren\u2019t something she needed to hold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lastly, if I had to say anything to the rest of the world about what parenting a trans kid is like, it\u2019s that it\u2019s the same as parenting any child is. You know from the moment that this tiny being is placed in your arms that you\u2019ve been tasked with watching over them. You get to know them, and you soon realize that they are the most magical, special soul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you soon learn, too, that they are their own person, separate from you, and watching them dive deeper into themselves is another gift that you\u2019ve been given as a parent. You have two choices: you can either try to mold them into the person that you want them to be, or let them be wholly and completely themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe that when given a choice, most parents would do exactly what so many parents of trans kids have done and continue to do, which is to choose acceptance over resistance, love over fear \u2014 to step back and let your kid bloom into the person they are, and were always meant to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is so much in the media these days about families\u00a0raising transgender kids. Much of it comes from a place […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=810"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":811,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/810\/revisions\/811"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=810"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=810"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/watchly.cc\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=810"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}